29 May 2009

How Not To Be Like Bella....

.......Or KStew...

Since my last list,What NOT To Do At A 100Monkeys Show.. made a huge splash (and ruffled a few feathers), I have decided to create another list. This time, with a little help from my friends :D

And before you ask...

Yes I have read the ENTIRE saga..Including the manuscript
Midnight Sun. My fave book in the series is Eclipse. No I do not dislike the series, Stephenie Meyer, or the film. So don't get your Twilight undies in a bunch... If you cannot appreciate humor, then well that sucks for you..

On to the fun stuff!!

List 1: How Not to Be Like Isabella 'Bella' Swan

  • Don't let your boyfriend boss you around and forbid you to hang with werewolves, even if he is a vampire
  • Thou shall not befriend a person that can turn into your own parka
  • Don't wear plaid.
  • Don't go out and buy a old truck. (even if it is from your dad's friend..)
  • Don't dye your hair like hers
  • Don't date anyone who doesn't ask if you are alright after tripping, but instead yells at you to be more careful
  • Don't be such a pushover for a guy.. Regardless if he's hot and rich!
  • Don't be so bloody selfish and impose your will on others
  • Do not go out of your way to anger the voice in your head lol
  • Don't ignore your friends because your boyfriend broke up with you
  • Don't ignore your friends when you get a boyfriend
  • Don't walk in the woods alone when you know you are clumsy as shit and attract more accidents than an ambulance attracts lawyers.
  • When someone says they've been watching you sleep & greasing your windows for easier access, that is code for STALKER! And you should call ADT immediately!!
  • If a man is willing to buy you a car(a nice expensive one to boot) and you refuse, slap yourself!
  • If a man is willing to pay your college tuition, no strings but that you enjoy your mortal life, don't turn it down..
  • Don't get married right after high school..
  • If a guy disables your vehicle for ANY reason, call the cops.. or a vampire executioner
  • Don't claim to be mature when in actuality you are acting more childish than a toddler and their fave toy!
  • Choose a man who makes you hot.. Not one who always gives you the cold shoulder..Literally!
  • Don't fall in love with a guy who 'sparkles'
  • don't fall in love with a man who uses your fluid or an animals to survive
  • Don't go into the woods to confront a guy..Most women never make it out alive...
  • If your BF calls you 'spidermonkey' chances are, he's gay....or close to it..
  • If a guy looks at you like you are his next meal, don't fall in love with him or try to jump his bones on the spot..
  • To escape a vampire, pepper spray is NOT the answer..
  • Do not meet/confront someone in an empty ballet studio ALONE!!
  • If the guy you are seeing hasn't had sex in over 80 years, he has blue balls..
  • Do not act like a dumb ass and pretend your best friend has no interest in you.
  • Don't jump off a cliff just so you can hear your dead, sparkly, blue-balled, gay ex-boyfriend in your head..
  • Don't name your child something they will regret being called as a teen..
  • Don't be the damsel in distress. Learn how to fight, shoot a gun.. Learn self-defense!

List 2: How Not To Be Like KStew..

  • Smile at least once..A genuine smile.
  • Try not to be fake or annoyed when meeting fans.
  • Don't break up with boyfriend of years to go pie-bumping (or rumored pie-bumping) with your co-star
  • Have an educational plan in case you get 'tired' of being an actress (cause you know, you can only play angst-ridden teens for two more years...)
  • Learn how to use inflection and tone when speaking to convey emotion
  • Stop BLINKING to convey emotion
  • Take a couple of acting classes and learn how to 'tap' into said emotions..That is if there are any present...
  • Don't look like you are always bored
  • Don't diss your projects
  • Don't diss the fans..And then try to cover your ass and lie about it..
  • Don't get photographed smoking a mini bong...
  • Do act and be grateful you have a job in this phucked-up economy...
  • Learn interviewing techniques
  • Try not to get caught in close proximity to said co-star at a certain friend's show...
  • Don't get caught sneaking to and fro from said co-star's hotel at 3am...
  • Never use the word LICKITY like ever....
  • Do not act like your Shit don't stink!
  • Don't make your boyfriend dress like your co-star...
  • Don't let your BFF rat you and your co-workers EVERY appearance out to the gossip rags..

If you follow these rules, you could be like the next Natalie Portman ..Not the next Lindsey Lohan....

Thanks to all my Twitter pals for their ideas and comments YOU ALL ROCK MY SOCKS!! lol


  1. Dude these lists speak the truth. They made me laugh and made me happy!

  2. I believe that now I am fully prepared to go out into the world and not be like them. Thank you :)

  3. OOh..good ones. I can't think of one now that I have read all of those. Wait...I feel one coming. "Don't get pregnant by a vampire with a half vampire child whose life is sustained by you drinking blood- Yuck."

  4. don't feign low self esteem and pitty parties when everyone at achool wants to be your bff or or your bf or you gf. if bella can become vegetarian in the movies and not the books because kstew is, maybe bella can be a fake lesbian like kstew and nikki... i'm just sayin...

    great list my dear!


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