What NOT to Do At A 100Monkeys Show.. EVER! REVISED!!!

(Disclaimer: Due to some recent fan events at 100Monkey shows, I had to revise this list.. These people give REAL fans a bad image and it is pathetic! There have been numerous post/tweets/ comments on various networking sites and thanks to the ignorance of a few, you, my darlings are receiving new commandments!The original post(created May 2009) is still available on the blog!)

EPIC FAIL!!!

You know its bad when Capt. Jean-Luc Picard hides his head in disappointment..

This post was born because of ALL the EPIC FAILS and 2nd hand embarrassments (UC and Moon :D)I have seen via You Tube, Twitter, Concerts and other blogs regarding Twilight conventions, 100Monkey shows and dammit EVERY BLOODY FAN ENCOUNTER!!

Enough is enough PEOPLE!
So I have compiled a list of What NOT to do at these events!
Heed the knowledge I present to you...

1. Do NOT jump on stage during the band's performance to do some crazy stunt you just 'happened' to come up with in the spur of the moment! You might think it is a great idea and might have been for some strange or good reason, but you have now just frightened Jackson, pissed off the Bens and incurred the wrath of all the fans in attendance and those watching your behind on YouTube!
2. Do not yell and scream at band members from the street below up to their second story window!(Yes you Chicago nut job!)
   
3. Do NOT run across the street acting like a deranged banshee when Jackson is spotted on the opposite side! Not only do you look like a raging lunatic, but this makes him retreat.. (same Chicago nutter)
   
4. No home made canvas bags with pics (I'm all for creativity..but this reminds me of the Pattinson Pants..again..DONT' DO IT!!)
5. No monkey hats (unless you are under 14)
6. No screaming out baby proposals.. (this goes for you too 6ft Amazon pit woman!)
7. NO SAYING HOW MUCH THE BAND SUCKS in PUBLIC(opinions entitled and dully noted..yes..but save it for your blog...)
8. If you are a band opening up for another band, save your comments for another day.. When noone associated with the guys can HEAR YOU!!!
   
9. No screaming out JASPER! (seriously.....)
10. No stuffed giant monkeys (yes you girl..This isn't Great America/DisneyLand/Magic Mountain..etc)
11. No going up to Marty and flirting with him just to get to the guys (I will CUT ya for that!)
12. If they reek of weed, Don't tell.. Jeepers. (You want someone telling your sordid details??)
13. If you are at the bar and they're there, do not push your humongous tatas in their face..
14. Do dress appropriately!(this means no bloody mini-dresses with flip flops!) You're going to a show, not a hoochie convention!!
    
15. No Twilight-inspired permanent works of body art...(no Bella tattoos, Rob signatures, etc.) And if you have it..WE don't wanna see it..
16. No being rude to regular people.. Karma is a BITCH and a dirty one to boot!
17. No screaming 'I love you Jackson!' or anything along those lines, in the middle of anyone singing!! I don't want to hear your vocals killing what's left of my hearing!! Not to mention, its RUDE!!
18. No flirting in hopes of scoring! (You know who you dirty skanks are...)
19. Be respectful to ALL in attendance. I know there is bad blood in the Monkey Faniverse, but seriously, Don't bring it to the shows! We all love the guys and we go see them, make spur of the moment trips, max out cards because we love them!! Not to go be evil towards eachother.
    
20. If you know you are on the plus side..Do not..I REPEAT do not wear anything that makes you resemble Shamu's cousin..sister..bro...(Watch What Not To Wear..srsly!!)
21. Do not wear the clothes you take out the trash, wash your car, sleep in, etc. at a show..
22. Do not look homeless.....
23. Do not jizz on yourself when in verbal distance or close proximity of the guys.. *shudders* They have bathrooms for that!
24. Do not yell "JACKSON!" in the middle of a street! It induces a fan riot (this means you TwilighterFAIL chick from that weekend on the East Coast...)
25. Do take advantage of free drinks *winks*
26. Do yell out and show the late Spencer Bell some love! ~~ http://www.spencerbellmemorial.com ~~
    
27. Do not come dressed like a hobo on free lunch day..SRSLY! LAMESPICE! I know your parents taught you better....
28. Do not wear your skanky's best outfit (see rule #13)
    
29. Don't force Ben J. to sing the Monkey Rap by yelling it out yourself until he sings it just to shut you up...
30. Do not diss the fans!
31. Do avoid all Twi-hards aka die hard Twilighters...(you will know them by their sparkly arms, dazed glossy eyes, and their Twilight merch...{to my Twi friends.. sorry lol})
32. Do not go to a show just cause its JASPER! grrr *rolls eyes*
33. Do let the guys know you are appreciative and they have a unique sound..Basically compliment them if ya like the sound..If not..shaddap! :D
34. Don't tell J he looks like your ex in order to score lol
35. Do remember if ya have big boobs to wash em and powder them up! No guy likes foul tits
36. Do wash your arse before said events (SRSLY! I don't like smelling foulness...Not in the age of soap and running water!! ICK!!)
37. Do not wear your TWILIGHT merch to a show..(again..we know you have spent all your loot on this but they can't sign it all!!!! And secondly, at a show.. GET REAL! )
38. Don't complain about guys sweating when they are stuck in a room with over 100 other people and there is not a ventilation system in sight...
39. Avoid all overgrown teenyboppers with hairy pits..(funkspice..ICK!)
40. Do buy the guys a round if your ballin' like that.. (if not make sure its open bar night :D)
41. Don't ask J about Rob, Kstew, Taylor, Ash or anyone from the movie..*rolls eyes* If you are there to see the band..SEE THE BAND! grrr...
42. Do realize that J and Jasper are two different people..one is real...one is FICTION!
43. No unauthorized mauling or groping...
44. Listen to the music before you go to the show.. That way, if it sucks, you don't have to waste money!
45. Be respectful! SRSLY!
46. Don't ask the same LAME question over and over and..you get my drift! How would you like it if someone asked you 1000 times, "so, did you read the book before you got the role as so and so?"
47. Don't ask any super duper personal questions..Cause you won't get actual replies!
    
48. You can ask about upcoming projects! Us actors/musicians LOVE that stuff :D
49. No bite me request! EVER!!
50. Do Not mention you read a fan fic written about them and you want to re-enact a scene*coughs* from it...
51. Do ask for items from the band that are easily replaced, like the 100monkeys glasses. (I personally got Jerad's glasses at the St. Louis show just by asking POLITELY! :)
    
52. Do NOT ask to pose with the actors like in the adverts for the film..*shudders* * facepalm to the dome!!*
53. Do not convince yourself or them that you are their one true love by stalking their every move..Stealing their plates, retrieving burned out cig butts, following them to the bathroom..Taking personal objects off their person....
    
54. (I cannot stress this enough!!) Do not FOLLOW the guys or girls into the bathroom and STEAL their articles of clothing, tissues, etc..
55. Do not leave ridiculous freaky post on their websites, fan pages, etc..You will get BLOCKED by the admins..(you know who you are..)
    
56. Remember, they are human too. The fart and pee just like everyone else..
    

If you follow my simple rules, and use a bit of common sense you can avoid being a 2nd hand embarrassment and a crazed nutter :D



UC & Moon...Lauren~~>rockSPICE!! :D and thanks to my MC girls.. :D

Advertising Fail WTF

So I'm browsing around and I find this commercial on YouTube. It shows African American women in a salon and one is getting a weave.. My question is..Why just Black Women?

Why not show our Caucasian/Hispanic/Asian counterparts getting 'weaved up'(and we all know they do)? Simple.. They don't want to. I was appalled actually. This was aimed at African Americans(Iguess trying to reach theirt 'target audience'. To me, it promotes negative stereotypes that all BW wear weaves and have major attitudes. I find it funny that in this world where it is acceptable for non-BW to enhance their features (rhinoplasty, tanning, breast augmentation, etc.), that BW cannot do the same. Don't get me wrong, I love to change my style as much as the next woman, but seriously..Why not incorporate other ethnicities? This is an advertising FAIL!

Perez Needs His ASS Whipped!! AGAIN!!

Yes I said it!

That wanna be famous, full of shit, ignorant, glass house living bitch! He is faker than the bitches he calls friends! I can't stand him! I can't stand how he talks so much BS about people and thinks its gossip or news! He is full of shit! And you know what? I'm glad he got punched in his bloody face! He deserves it! After the crap he pulls and then this today....

To see Perez's original post, Click here

Sorry, I refuse to post that pic because it's degrading! A stunt? Get real loser!! Regardless of his personal life, you remember the person's achievements!

So Perez, when God calls you up, you better make sure your life was worth living and you achieved something worth mentioning..

Simple..But Effective..

Listen up you rabid, shame-enducing, epil fail creating girls....

LEAVE ROB PATTINSON ALONE!

SERIOUSLY!

Do YOU want someone harassing you at work constantly?

Would you like it if someone interfered in what pays YOUR rent?

How would you like it if strangers followed YOU to your job everyday??

Would you like it if YOU were hounded??

Doesn't seem sane does it??

So why do it to him?

Let the man do what he gets paid for and mosey on...

Don't make me get the pepper spray and batons.....

You Know What...

You are probably wondering why I'm saying this..

As an up and coming person in my field, there is ONE thing professionals do not tolerate... UN-PROFESSIONALISM!! You DO NOT call a casting agency asking about casting if they have NOT contacted YOU! That is the way it is! Only agents can call them. The only way to submit headshots and resumes is via snail mail.. Or your agent..

Well, those lovely die-hard Twi-hards, once it was out that Eclipse was casting, decided to flood the LA casting office handling the auditions with calls!! YOU DON'T BLOODY DO THAT! And thanks to those enormous amounts of individuals, people like me with no agent who love the business and see it as an opportunity, now have to find another means of gaining an aufition. Yes the info was posted about it, but it was also sated that NO PHONE CALLS!

That to me is not only unprofessional, but stupid and completely RUDE!

You want to be a part of the franchise, ok sure..I understand that. A lot of people do. It would be a career boost.. An epic opportunity that looks great on an actor's resume. Or just to say you were in the film.. But I know why many did it..To get close to the cast! Go to convention, set stalk for all I care. Hang out infront of the hotel and shit.. Be a bloody extra! But don't fuck up opportunites for the rest of us who love acting and who want in the business so bad it bleeds.

Yeah there are other ways of maybe getting an audition for some role in the film, but SERIOUSLY! If you knew how hard it was for actors go get in film, you would'nt have been such a jackass in your dealings. You idiots made an epic fail of massive porportions!

Now I'm not knocking the bloggers who posted that the casting had begun.. No.. Not that..That was posted on E! But not the contact info.. This is for those idiots who were so nice to get the info from a certain resource and act completely stupid without thinking..Or reading!

So if I lose Twitter follwers or readers, I don't care. This career..its my life..My dream(although my dream will continue regardless) and I don't tolerate stupidity and unprofessionalism!!

So yeah you fucked up.. EPIC FAIL to you..

How Not To Be Like Bella....

.......Or KStew...

Since my last list,What NOT To Do At A 100Monkeys Show.. made a huge splash (and ruffled a few feathers), I have decided to create another list. This time, with a little help from my friends :D

And before you ask...

Yes I have read the ENTIRE saga..Including the manuscript Midnight Sun. My fave book in the series is Eclipse. No I do not dislike the series, Stephenie Meyer, or the film. So don't get your Twilight undies in a bunch... If you cannot appreciate humor, then well that sucks for you..


Now..
On to the fun stuff!!

List 1: How Not to Be Like Isabella 'Bella' Swan

• Don't let your boyfriend boss you around and forbid you to hang with werewolves, even if he is a vampire
• Thou shall not befriend a person that can turn into your own parka
• Don't wear plaid.
• Don't go out and buy a old truck. (even if it is from your dad's friend..)
• Don't dye your hair like hers
• Don't date anyone who doesn't ask if you are alright after tripping, but instead yells at you to be more careful
• Don't be such a pushover for a guy.. Regardless if he's hot and rich!
• Don't be so bloody selfish and impose your will on others
• Do not go out of your way to anger the voice in your head lol
• Don't ignore your friends because your boyfriend broke up with you
• Don't ignore your friends when you get a boyfriend
• Don't walk in the woods alone when you know you are clumsy as shit and attract more accidents than an ambulance attracts lawyers.
• When someone says they've been watching you sleep & greasing your windows for easier access, that is code for STALKER! And you should call ADT immediately!!
• If a man is willing to buy you a car(a nice expensive one to boot) and you refuse, slap yourself!
• If a man is willing to pay your college tuition, no strings but that you enjoy your mortal life, don't turn it down..
• Don't get married right after high school..
• If a guy disables your vehicle for ANY reason, call the cops.. or a vampire executioner
• Don't claim to be mature when in actuality you are acting more childish than a toddler and their fave toy!
• Choose a man who makes you hot.. Not one who always gives you the cold shoulder..Literally!
• Don't fall in love with a guy who 'sparkles'
• don't fall in love with a man who uses your fluid or an animals to survive
• Don't go into the woods to confront a guy..Most women never make it out alive...
• If your BF calls you 'spidermonkey' chances are, he's gay....or close to it..
• If a guy looks at you like you are his next meal, don't fall in love with him or try to jump his bones on the spot..
• To escape a vampire, pepper spray is NOT the answer..
• Do not meet/confront someone in an empty ballet studio ALONE!!
• If the guy you are seeing hasn't had sex in over 80 years, he has blue balls..
• Do not act like a dumb ass and pretend your best friend has no interest in you.
• Don't jump off a cliff just so you can hear your dead, sparkly, blue-balled, gay ex-boyfriend in your head..
• Don't name your child something they will regret being called as a teen..
• Don't be the damsel in distress. Learn how to fight, shoot a gun.. Learn self-defense!
  

List 2: How Not To Be Like KStew..

• Smile at least once..A genuine smile.
• Try not to be fake or annoyed when meeting fans.
• Don't break up with boyfriend of years to go pie-bumping (or rumored pie-bumping) with your co-star
• Have an educational plan in case you get 'tired' of being an actress (cause you know, you can only play angst-ridden teens for two more years...)
• Learn how to use inflection and tone when speaking to convey emotion
• Stop BLINKING to convey emotion
• Take a couple of acting classes and learn how to 'tap' into said emotions..That is if there are any present...
• Don't look like you are always bored
• Don't diss your projects
• Don't diss the fans..And then try to cover your ass and lie about it..
• Don't get photographed smoking a mini bong...
• Do act and be grateful you have a job in this phucked-up economy...
• Learn interviewing techniques
• Try not to get caught in close proximity to said co-star at a certain friend's show...
• Don't get caught sneaking to and fro from said co-star's hotel at 3am...
• Never use the word LICKITY like ever....
• Do not act like your Shit don't stink!
• Don't make your boyfriend dress like your co-star...
• Don't let your BFF rat you and your co-workers EVERY appearance out to the gossip rags..

If you follow these rules, you could be like the next Natalie Portman ..Not the next Lindsey Lohan....

Thanks to all my Twitter pals for their ideas and comments YOU ALL ROCK MY SOCKS!! lol

What NOT To Do At a 100Monkeys Show...

Or ANY show for that matter!

EPIC FAIL!!

You know its bad when Capt. Jean-Luc Picard hides his head in disappointment..

This post was born because of ALL the EPIC FAILS and 2nd hand embarrassments (UC and Moon :D)I have seen via You Tube, Twitter and other blogs regarding Twilight conventions, 100Monkey shows and dammit EVERY BLOODY FAN ENCOUNTER!!

Enough is enough PEOPLE!
So I have compiled a list of What NOT to do at these events!
Heed the knowledge I present to you...

1. No home made canvas bags with pics (I'm all for creativity..but this reminds me of the Pattinson Pants..again..DONT' DO IT!!)
2. No monkey hats (unless you are under 14)
3. No screaming out baby proposals.. (this goes for you too 6ft Amazon pit woman!)
4. NO SAYING HOW MUCH THE BAND SUCKS in PUBLIC(opinions entitled and dully noted..yes..but save it for your blog...)
5. No screaming out JASPER! (seriously.....)
6. No stuffed giant monkeys (yes you girl..This isn't Great America/DisneyLand/Magic Mountain..etc)
7. No going up to Marty and flirting with him just to get to the guys (I will CUT ya for that!)
8. If they reek of weed, Don't tell.. Jeepers. (You want someone telling your sordid details??)
9. If you are at the bar and they're there, do not push your humongous tatas in their face..
10. Do dress appropriately!(this means no bloody mini-dresses with flip flops!)
11. No Twilight-inspired permanent works of body art...(no Bella tattoos, Rob signatures, etc.) And if you have it..WE don't wanna see it..
12. No being rude to regular people.. Karma is a BITCH and a dirty one to boot!
13. No screaming 'I love you Jackson!' or anything along those lines, in the middle of anyone singing!! I don't want to hear your vocals killing what's left of my hearing!! Not to mention, its RUDE!!
14. No flirting in hopes of scoring! (You know who you dirty skanks are...)
15. If you know you are on the plus side..Do not..I REPEAT do not wear anything that makes you resemble Shamu's cousin..sister..bro...(Watch What Not To Wear..srsly!!)
16. Do not wear the clothes you take out the trash, wash your car, sleep in, etc. at a show..
17. Do not look homeless.....
18. Do not jizz on yourself when in verbal distance or close proximity of the guys.. *shudders* They have bathrooms for that!
19. Do not yell "JACKSON!" in the middle of a street! It induces a fan riot (this means you TwilighterFAIL chick from the weekend...)
20. Do take advantage of free drinks *winks*
21. Do yell out and show the late Spencer Bell some love! ~~ http://www.spencerbellmemorial.com ~~
    
22. Do not come dressed like a hobo on free lunch day..SRSLY! LAMESPICE! I know your parents taught you better....
23. Do not wear your skany's best outfit
24. Don't force Ben J. to sing the Monkey Rap by yelling it out yourself until he sings it just to shut you up...
25. Do not diss the fan club!
26. Do avoid all Twi-hards aka die hard Twilighters...(you will know them by their sparkly arms, dazed glossy eyes, and their Twilight merch...)
27. Do not go to a show just cause its JASPER! grrr *rolls eyes*
28. Do let the guys know you are appreciative and they have a unique sound..Basically compliment them if ya like the sound..If not..shaddap! :D
29. Don't tell J he looks like your ex in order to score lol
30. Do remember if ya have big boobs to wash em and powder them up! No guy likes foul tits
31. Do wash your arse before said events (SRSLY! I don't like smelling foulness...Not in the age of soap and running water!! ICK!!)
32. Do not wear your TWILIGHT merch to a show..(again..we know you have spent all your loot on this but they can't sign it all!!!! And secondly, at a show.. GET REAL! )
33. Don't complain about guys sweating when they are stuck in a room with over 100 other people and there is not a ventilation system in sight...
34. Avoid all overgrown teenyboppers with hairy pits..(funkspice..ICK!)
35. Do buy the guys a round if your ballin' like that.. (if not make sure its open bar night :D)
36. Don't ask J about Rob, Kstew, Taylor, Ash or anyone from the movie..*rolls eyes* If you are there to see the band..SEE THE BAND! grrr...
37. Do realize that J and Jasper are two different people..one is real...one is FICTION!
38. No unauthorized mauling or groping...
39. Listen to the music before you go to the show.. That way, if it sucks, you don't have to waste money!
40. Be respectful! SRSLY!
41. Don't ask the same LAME question over and over and..you get my drift! How would you like it if someone asked you 1000 times, "so, did you read the book before you got the role as so and so?"
42. Don't ask any super duper personal questions..Cause you won't get actual replies!
    
43. You can ask about upcoming projects! Us actors/musicians LOVE that stuff :D
44. No bite me request! EVER!!
45. Do Not mention you read a fan fic written about them and you want to re-enact a scene*coughs* from it...
46. Do NOT ask to pose with the actors like in the adverts for the film..*shudders* * facepalm to the dome!!*
47. Do not convince yourself or them that you are their one true love by stalking their every move..Stealing their plates, retrieving burned out cig butts, following them to the bathroom..
48. Do not FOLLOW the guys or girls into the bathroom and STEAL their articles of clothing, tissues, etc..
49. Do not leave ridiculous freaky post on their websites, fan pages, etc..You will get BLOCKED by the admins..(you know who you are..)
    
50. Remember, they are human too. The fart and pee just like everyone else..
    

If you follow my simple rules, and use a bit of common sense you can avoid being a 2nd hand embarrassment and a crazed nutter :D



UC & Moon...Lauren~~>rockSPICE!! :D and thanks to my MC girls.. :D