03 February 2011

the tangled web we weave comes undone

When you find out something disturbing, what do you do?

Do you crawl up inside yourself & block everyone out? Or do you carry on like a proud soldier; marching towards their doom? Do you lash out at any and anyone? Do you seek solace & comfort? Or do you seek destruction and revenge?

When you find out something that has an impact on your psyche, does it traumatize you?

I'm left without words as of late. The lies being told to me & the revelations brought to light have me question everything I was told. And I do mean everything. It changes all I knew and I feel lied to. I was inadvertendly lied to. Lead on in the dark by hands of whom I though absolute trust was place. Does this person know that I am aware? Nope. Am I now cold & heartless to this persons survival, absolutely.

I give everyone the same grain of trust starting out as I've mentioned before. Trust is sacred to me. It is a building block in any type of relationship. But when my trust is betrayed, I wipe you clean from my book. I will not speak to you again & never share things with you. My mum always said that, 'whats done in the dark, will come to light.' And in this case it has.

Why do I feel lied to, you may ask? Well, if one states to you their intent & is stating it to someone or some other bodies without telling you the real deal, is it not a lie? Doesn't it make everything spoken between parties a farce?

As for my involvement with this person, I'm waiting. Waiting to see if they decided to come clean & fess up. Waiting to see if they will be honest & open as they want me to be. But if what is there is based on a lie, then there was no trust to begin with. I have a tendency to read between the lines. So see what is actually there. And what I see is not pretty now. Looking back, I should've known..

02 February 2011

silent all these years..

"I've been here... Silent all these years..."

Taken from one of my favourite Tori Amos songs. I feel like I'm silent. I let things happen to me & I don't speak about it.. I don't speak to it. Festering inside me & growing until I'm suffocated with it. And once it has consumed me, I lose all focus. I fall fast & noone knows this. Well, until now. But hey, who actually reads my dribble? I decided that this blog will be about me. Not some actors I've met, some band I enjoy, or some franchises.. Just me. Stripped bare-boned as I make my way through life & career. So, this is the beginning of a new age for the Reject's blog. I had something happen to me that threw me for a loop.

I fell in deep like. Like? Yes, like. I think the word love is misused & overly abused these days. You can love shoes, food, make-up, and of course people.. but like? Aah.. I met this guy and it was like I was slapped by the universe. In one week, everything changed. Walls were brought down & blinders ripped away. And then the monkey wrench happened & I'm sitting here feeling broken, used, hurt, and hollow. I feel gutted & I can't really explain how it occured. So now I'm in that space. That space where I don't care anymore & want things to end. I ask myself how? How did I let this go so far? There were many things in the way & possibly wouldn't have worked... But, I wanted to try. Shakespeare once wrote, 'it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all,' I disagree. It is better never to love & experience such despair than to love & die once love has left.