I am starting to hate my family.. No, wait, I don't hate them..More like envy. When they want to do things, things just magically appear and they can achieve their goals. Me on the other hand, must be on someone's shit list or something because I'm frustrated! I'm pissed because the biggest opportunity in my life might pass me by because certain people think its frivolous and decline to help! I don't ask for shit from them, but some bloody support and they don't care. But if it pays off they they will reap the benefits.. I accept their dreams, their goals and ambitions, but do they accept mine, nope. I get told its stupid and I should'nt do it. Meanwhile I ask for a favor and what I get is a responding no.. I feel like I am trapped beyond saving and if things don't change, I will die. Emotionally, physically, spiritually.. I hate feeling trapped.
I hate feeling that there is nothing I can do! It is May, my session starts in July and the deadline is the 22nd of June(I got an extension). I am beyond angry and I just want to shut down. Actually, I have shut-down.. I don't want to do anything but achieve my goals. It is strange, I go through all of this and get accepted only possibly might have to say, "no thanks. I can't attend." I busted my ass to get accepted and they don't bloody care! Some people ask the symbolism of why I call myself The Reject. Well, I feel rejected. I try so hard to fit into their ideals and wants and the moment I achieve something I'm proud of, that will not only help my career, but it is something I love, I get rejected by the ones who supposedly have my back in everything. It's not the first time either. And I have realized the lack of support I have now.
If I could run away, I would with nothing but lint in my jeans. No one seems to get it. I guess they like their life they way it is..But I don't! I have dreams, goals, aspirations.. Someone told me not to die unfinished. Told me make your dreams happen.. When I dream, I see my heart's desires and the life I want, the places I want to see, the things I want to do.. Why do I feel its fading away?
I tried this once. I was forced to do something else. This is the second time.. If I am not able to take the first steps forward, you might not see this reject any longer... In any aspect. That is how deeply I feel.