Lessons from the Black Hole

I'm compiling a set of works I've dubbed, 'Lessons from the Black Hole'. If you're a nerd like me, you know that everything a black hole coles in contact with gets absorbed into its gravitational field and gets absorbed inside the collapsed star. This is the concept for Lessons. Things that I've learned put in prose text and is 100% original. I've been putting up snippets on my tumblr ( http://gallifreyreject.tumblr.com ). They range from all topics and I do hope you stay tuned for more.

:)

love left me on the exit ramp

Love left me on the exit ramp to get into the carpool lane.
Said I wasn't comparable cause I liked the slow lane.
I wanted something it could not give.
Time, it said, was not our friend.

I got off the expressway leading to my heart.
Shut it down for construction,
Keeping it miles apart.
Backed up for years it shall be,
Cause love didn't share the carpool lane with me.

Copyright 2011 Saturday's Child

Torchwood: Miracle Day episodes 1 & 2 Review

Torchwood is no more... Or so we though after 'Children of Earth'....

The CIA knows about the British organization and for some reason, wants the remaining members, Jack & Gwen, gone.. There is a twist to the BBC Woldwide/Stars collaboration. Headed up by the team that brought you the 'DoctorWho spin off, Miracle Day has started with a bang!

The first episode brings you up to date on the remaining members, Capt. Jack Harkess(John Barrowman) and Gwen Cooper(Eve Myles) are alive and kicking. Gwen is a mom and living with Rhys(Kai Owen) in some place isolated in Wales. A CIA worker Esther Drummond (Alexa Havins of All My Children fame) is looking into Torchwood and while talking to a friend/ Coworker Rex Mathison (Mekhi Pfifer) is involved in a deadly impaling car accident.. and survives. Suddenly, everything related to Torchwood vanishes! A child murderer/molester, played by Bill Pullman, survives lethal injection. Soon reports from all over the world are coming in about people not dying. And this is just the first episode!

Second episode continues the fast pace and something truly inhuman is going on. As most of us know, Jack is immortal due to Rose using the time vortex in The Parting of Way in DoctorWho. But during this, he is completely mortal. A new twist on the familiar. Someone is trying to eradicate the team and anyone who has pulled up their information, but why? Murder attempts, espionage, set-ups, the walking but aging , living dead.. fine stuff! Meanwhile doctors from all over the world are trying to figure out what is biologically going on.

So far, Torchwood:Miracle Day is turning out to be one help of a ride! I'm going to stay tuned.. are you?

torchwood...

Review of episodes one and two will be up later this week. :)

tricks are for kids

In this day and age, we rely on technology for practically everything. From work to our personal lives, we utilize technology.. but this is where I have a problem. Technology as a substitute for human communication. Take Facebook. I have people on my page who result to 'poking' me rather than send me a quick note or post on my wall. Hello!! If you poke me in real life, you're going to get the finger! Why assume poking me on a social media site would be any different? And my biggest pet peeve

*drumroll*
Texting as sole communication!!

I'm a texter and I'm not ashamed.. but having a conversation via text annoys the hell out of me! You have my number but refuse to use it.. Now most cell plans, like mine, have unlimited calling plans with their data/text plans. So, if you tell someone you have such a plan, why are you NOT utilizing it?

It's absurd! That screams l a z y to me. I'll give you an example. A guy I know has text conversations with me. How many times he has called me in the last six months, I can count on my tiny hand. I asked, why do you text me more than call? He goes, " its easier for me to work that way." Work that way? Seriously? You working an angle? A big score? Wtf? Even the busiest of us mere humans pick up the phone to dial someone. Like the other day. He sends me a text saying 'what's up'. I reply, 'nothing. nothing at all.' Next thing I know, I get a phone call and some talk about his phone being messed up and him not getting any of his messages and he thought I was being mean and sarcastic with my reply..

Muahahaa!! Dude, if the only time you call is when I send a text you don't like, we don't need to communicate. I understand busy.. I do. But if you are too damn lazy to press a few buttons to make a call, you're just lazy period. People, texting is lovely and I don't dismiss the ease of it. My problem is using it as you MAIN FORM OF COMMUNICATION! Matter of fact, my new stance is this.. if you want to get to know me, call. If you want to carry on a convo or try to initiate a 'relationship' and all you do is text, lose my number. And the word is lose..not loose!

An Observation

Passerbys on the street..
Many you will never meet..
Interaction limited to a turnstile.
At the corner of a street,
Standing a few feet
Conversation mundane..
A bloody Sox game.
life ending, life beginning..
Cars driving down the lane..
Every day the same..
Until..
the train stalls..
The corner is empty
Lights never change
No cars in the lane..
bare
empty
stairs
l
i
g
h
t
s
o
u
t

Copyright 2009 Saturday'sChild

Soul

I've been looking for you.
Under the stairs,
Across the sky.

I've been waiting for you.
In my heart.
In my mind.

Pieces cast in various places
never linking..

I'm still sinking..

Faster

Deeper..

The lifeboat has passed.

Copyright 2009 Saturday'sChild

A Tale

Once was a woman who loved too deeply.
Her pain hidden by masks of security.
The lines from strain, the internal rage,
create the holes in her soul.

She attends the meetings with a vacant stare.
She cooks the meals in a robotic manner.
Her glare is steady, constant and cold.
Ritualistic in her manners and careful in her steps.
She laughs as if on cue. The lines already set.

One day this woman could take no more,
leaving a note by the kitchen door.
Fed up with the melancholy and lies she was told,
she flung herself forward, releasing the black hole in her soul.

From this tale of woe I tell to you, you never know what goes on behind closed blinds and pray its never you..

Losing Grip

Hanging from a wire overlooking the range.
Feet keep slipping on rocks near the grave.
I balance myself slowly,
keeping my head above the pile.
Bones all around me,
the wire unwinds.

Losing my grip,
Falling into decrepid coffins.
Sealing me out reality,
closing on my humanity.

Am I able to surface?
Am I able to rise again?

Locked shut from the outside,
banging out sound from the inside.
I can't breath the stagnant air.
I can't think..not aware..

Is it me or my environment?
Where are the friends I held so dear? Noone rallying for my salvation. I am lost & stuck here..

Truth In...

The truth is something when asked, if more often not given.
The half-truths, patronizing and deflecting, are well-crafted decietful tales.

I seek the truth in all things.

I seek truth in love. I have never been of simple thought.

I seek truth in the universe. But the universe hides his vast knowledge from me.

I seek truth in friendships. Ties we've tied. Phoney and fake I see.. people really shouldn't underestimate me.

When does the truth rear its head?

A wrong text in the middle of the night. Pacified tales to keep the anger out of sight. Unread & acknowledged thoughts.. smiles in faces and dogged out of sight.

Yes, the truth comes when we need it. It is given. You just need to see it to accept it.

break me

Still working on this one..

Break Me

You have it but act like you don't.
You have me but act like I don't exist..
This reality isn't fair.
This heart held in your hands..
As fragile as I stand,
On sheer will I am..
This damage to my psyche
Was there before you found me.
And all while I'm drifting,
This current pulls & pushes me along,
Against the rocks on the shore,
I keep screaming nevermore to the silence..

You don't comprehend how
My heart is in your hands..
I'm pleading for you..
Not to break me.
Promise not to break me.

I couldn't survive again,
These cuts will never mend..
Unravelling at my seams.
Looking through me,
Phase right through me..
I guess I'm something to pass the time..

A distraction in your eyes..

Never ask cause you don't care.
Never care cause I'm not really there..
Pretty words to pacify..
Non-existant in your eyes,
I was so blind..

I'm consumed & the fire is killing me.
This shell wasn't made for this journey.
Killing my soul slowly,
Permantently hollow..
You promised to tread lightly,
But your heavy as a stone..

Reniged on your word,
Purgatory you've placed me in..
Promises like sand,
Seep through my shaky hand.
No absolution from you..

I'm busted, broken & sliced in two..
Damaged, unrepairable by you..
You promised not to break me..
Then why am I in pieces...

Copyright 2011 Saturday'sChild

Something New

'Ello Lovelies!

I've been working on some things & i'd like to share this with you..

Unintentional..

He's the type that's hard to talk to,
Doesn't like conflict and neither do I.
I am conflicted.
Confused by everything thrown my way.
The silence kills me,
A blow to my self-esteem..
I'm wondering am I falling..

Unitentionally willing to sit this out.
That's not me,
Not what I'm about.
I don't know becomes common
I'm used to this now.
I speak and the walls come up.
Falling backwards & hopeless..

Made up my mind & it has to end,
I can't stay, there is no battle to win.
I'm used to this now
The unrequited cycle..
Option-land knows my name
Sorry he doesn't feel the same.

No reasons to hang on to this ledge,
No need to push anymore.
I see,
There is truth in your actions,
Your words are deciphered..
The lines are rehearsed..

I'm making this worse...
If you felt the same way I did,
You wouldn't go,
Or leave me this way...

Copyright 2011 Saturday'sChild

Goodbye, Sarah Jane...

Friends, colleagues, and fans throughout the Whonivers are mourning the passing of Elisabeth Sladen. Best known to fans as companion Sarah Jane Smith, Elisabeth played one of the most memorable & beloved companions in the series. She was companion to incarnations 3&4 of The Doctor during the 70's and early 80's. Elisabeth reprised the role for Dimesions in Time & the revised series with David Tennant. Most recently, she was the title character in the CBBC series, The Sarah Jane Adventures.

As a fan, I am deeply saddeded by the news. Ms. Sladen was 63 and the BBC is reporting she was suffering from cancer. I will have a longer post & dedication to her later in the week.

My deepest symapthies & condolences go out to her husband & daughter, family, friends and those who had the pleasure of working with her.

"Goodbye, Sarah Jane.."

Tumbling Down

This is something hard for me to admit so to the ones who still read this, thanks.
I had a breakdown two weeks straight. I hadn't had one in almost four years since my father passed. As I'm writing this, I'm in bed. The sun is shining and people are moving. I really don't want to see people. The first episode started last week. There are things happening in my life I won't mention here but, it all culmulated Thursday night. I'm putting myself out here, literally, so.. *sighs*I hadn't been back to the gym since returning from Texas earlier in the week. Clothes went and are still unpacked from what someone described as my 'gay army' luggage (it is camoflage with pink, green, black and white). Laundry needing to be done and unfortunately a broken washing machine was taking up space in my basement. These are tasks needed to be done and I didn't want to complete them.

The persona I give off to people is the opposite of what is the internal persona. This is for good reason. I was raised that we never talk about or mention what goes on in our private lives to those outside our door. If there are issues, fix them internally and go about your day. I do that. I do it everyday. I hide behind bubbly masses of smiles and friendliness when in actuality, id rather get out of there. Id rather not talk to you. But on some level, I am a 'people person' and I utilize that get by in life. I force myself to be outgoing because who would really believe a woman like me to suffer from depression?

I uttered it.. Depression. In the African-American community, there is no such word. You can argue me down and give me clinical & professional mumbo jumbo but, its true. They do not acknowledge it. My mom was like, "Oh, you're sad. Get over it!" When I had my last breakdown, I stayed in solitude for a week following my return from Tulsa. The next Thanksgiving, same thing. My door has a hole in it from when my 'loving' mother tried to force herself into the room.
Thanks! Covering up that hole was not an easy task...

I knew something was wrong with me at an early age. My mother was told to 'get me some psychological help' when I was in the 2nd grade. "My daughter doesn't need any shrink! She has me." Eh.. not much help you were lady. Your husband of four years just left you with two kids and a father recovering from Colon Cancer. So, that's when my morbid facinations began. 99% of the music I listened to were by deceased artist. I had no real friends. Heck, sometimes my cousins my age didn't like me. The funny thing was even with the rejection of my peers, I wanted to 'fit-in'. Gaining weight in the 5th grade didn't help much. Kids can be crule. So, I did thinks to keep people away, since they didn't want to voluntarily. I brought my diary to school and 'carelessly' left it on my desk. I started fights(sometimes I didn't) and developed a really snarky & nasty attitude (which, if you piss me off, I still have). Once I left that hell hole & moved to San Diego, I thought things would get better. I excelled even further in my studies(living in books does work) and made new friends.. until I was being bullied by a local gang girl. Then, my grandfather passed and I moved home.

High school, eh. I had just decided to be me. Goth girl, reject, semi-jock, floater, student council rep, singer, etc. I just did what made me happy. Lost 80lbs and then the rumours started. I was on crack, I was doing this & that and whatever nonsense they came up with. The fact was I got a job and the physicality of it made me drop weight. I had my crushes then too. The football players, baseball guys.. But, I was never asked out. Not the typical Black mutt beauty. I had mild breaks in school too. But, I just worked my way through them as I usually do. After high school, I tried pursuing the things I did as a kid(pre-weight gain). And kept my self away from getting into relationships because they had a tendency to go bad. It seemed like from 10 and up, everything went bad. Those things I won't discuss here and only a few, and I do mean a few, know of these things.

In my twenties, I 'blossomed' so to speak. Keeping my weight down and trying to have a life... till I got pregnant. I was sad the entire time. I had a friendship that ended badly, hit so hard I flew across a table because I didn't want to 'socialize' with drunk dope heads, having my roommate's bf hit on me because he liked cream and brown sugar...Being told certain things made me not want to carry him to full term. He wasn't born from mutual love.. More like one-sided and I found it out the hard way. After he was born, I picked myself up and began the process of trying to rebuild myself. With love, I fall hard. So, I made sure I didn't.. until someone popped in and then another break. The rejection was like a razor, slicing its way through my skin. I don't do rejection well. And truthfully, contrary to what people say, it is about you. After that, I didn't want to hear any utterance of love, couples, etc. I shut down. I shut down completely and went into automatic mode.

I still shut down but I switch focus. I live, breathe and walk with blinders on. Welcome to my world. Have a cuppa tea..

Spencer Bell Legacy- Austin, TX

This year will mark the second time that a Legacy show will be held outside of the grand state of Michigan! (if you arent aware of what SBL is, see below..)Put together by Gain To Give, this show will have returning The Stevedores, Chicago's own, Tin Tin Can, The Kissing Club, a hybrid of musical funkiness known as Mechanical People, and some newer bands on the line up as well. Not to mention, there is a special Friends of SBL at the beginning of the event!! This event, unlike the one held at Trees in Dallas last April, will be an all-day affair! Smashing, yes?!

I will be conducting interviews with people about Spencer's influence & legacy on them. Will make for an awesome finishing piece to my video! I'm excited! Stay tuned to my Twitter feed (@gallifreyreject) for pics from the event! also, i will be posting my thoughts and pics from the event. If youre there, tweet me! Great cause, good music, & an all-around awesome time will be had!

Follow GainToGive on Twitter! and visit them on the web GainToGive

Oh, btw, another site dedicated to Adrenal Cancer is up and running! Visit Adrenal Cancer Hope :)

Line-up as of 3/21/2011

The Stevedores
Tin Tin Can
The Kissing Club
Union Shop
Mechanical People

About Spencer Bell Legacy

Spencer Bell was a talented musician and artist who died tragically of adrenal cancer at the age of 20 in 2006. The Spencer Bell Legacy was founded by his family and has become an effort to share his work with the world while raising awareness about Adrenal Cancer through annual concerts. The Spencer Bell Memorial Fund is one of three funds that have been established to support the adrenal cancer efforts at the University of Michigan, run by Dr. Gary Hammer. The Spencer Bell Memorial Fund aims to raise awareness for adrenal cancer research, support research and provide a training ground for young students interested in a career in medicine or science through sponsorship of summer research fellowships in laboratories associated with the Adrenal Cancer Program. Visit SpencerBellMemorial

Adrenal Cancer
Adrenocortical carcinoma (ACC) is rare, but very deadly. This type of cancer develops in the outer layer, called the cortex, of the two small adrenal glands that sit on top of each kidney. About 600 new cases are diagnosed each year in the United States with nearly no chance of survival past five years for those diagnosed with advanced disease (stages 3/4).

Adults rarely have obvious symptoms, so they often are not diagnosed until the cancer is large and has spread to other parts of the body. Although adrenal cancer can be treated in adults, it usually comes back. Once it recurs, it is almost always fatal.

(info courtesy og GainToGive.org.. )

The Reject In LA!

Yeah.. You read that right! I'm In LA this weekend.. Nothing really big, just trying to do some things. But it felt so good to be here.. Ever have that feeling when you go to a different place? The vibe of the area affects you.. It's lovely here! I will post pics soon, i promise :)

the tangled web we weave comes undone

When you find out something disturbing, what do you do?

Do you crawl up inside yourself & block everyone out? Or do you carry on like a proud soldier; marching towards their doom? Do you lash out at any and anyone? Do you seek solace & comfort? Or do you seek destruction and revenge?

When you find out something that has an impact on your psyche, does it traumatize you?

I'm left without words as of late. The lies being told to me & the revelations brought to light have me question everything I was told. And I do mean everything. It changes all I knew and I feel lied to. I was inadvertendly lied to. Lead on in the dark by hands of whom I though absolute trust was place. Does this person know that I am aware? Nope. Am I now cold & heartless to this persons survival, absolutely.

I give everyone the same grain of trust starting out as I've mentioned before. Trust is sacred to me. It is a building block in any type of relationship. But when my trust is betrayed, I wipe you clean from my book. I will not speak to you again & never share things with you. My mum always said that, 'whats done in the dark, will come to light.' And in this case it has.

Why do I feel lied to, you may ask? Well, if one states to you their intent & is stating it to someone or some other bodies without telling you the real deal, is it not a lie? Doesn't it make everything spoken between parties a farce?

As for my involvement with this person, I'm waiting. Waiting to see if they decided to come clean & fess up. Waiting to see if they will be honest & open as they want me to be. But if what is there is based on a lie, then there was no trust to begin with. I have a tendency to read between the lines. So see what is actually there. And what I see is not pretty now. Looking back, I should've known..

silent all these years..

"I've been here... Silent all these years..."

Taken from one of my favourite Tori Amos songs. I feel like I'm silent. I let things happen to me & I don't speak about it.. I don't speak to it. Festering inside me & growing until I'm suffocated with it. And once it has consumed me, I lose all focus. I fall fast & noone knows this. Well, until now. But hey, who actually reads my dribble? I decided that this blog will be about me. Not some actors I've met, some band I enjoy, or some franchises.. Just me. Stripped bare-boned as I make my way through life & career. So, this is the beginning of a new age for the Reject's blog. I had something happen to me that threw me for a loop.

I fell in deep like. Like? Yes, like. I think the word love is misused & overly abused these days. You can love shoes, food, make-up, and of course people.. but like? Aah.. I met this guy and it was like I was slapped by the universe. In one week, everything changed. Walls were brought down & blinders ripped away. And then the monkey wrench happened & I'm sitting here feeling broken, used, hurt, and hollow. I feel gutted & I can't really explain how it occured. So now I'm in that space. That space where I don't care anymore & want things to end. I ask myself how? How did I let this go so far? There were many things in the way & possibly wouldn't have worked... But, I wanted to try. Shakespeare once wrote, 'it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all,' I disagree. It is better never to love & experience such despair than to love & die once love has left.