29 October 2009

Space for Rent

Have you even given someone space in your life, only to have them take up residence when they know it is only temporary? You have called yourself putting the 'space' up for rent, cleaning house, making sure things are well for them and losing yourself along the way? Did you ever wonder why you let them take up occupancy knowing they wouldn't let you reside? What am I talking about you may ask? I am talking about the space in your heart.

I recently saw a pic of someone I knew and their significant other and it pained me afterward. Was I happy for that person, yes. Was I upset, quite frankly yes. It hurt like a thousand needles sticking me in my backside, injecting their poison into my bloodstream. It affected me so bad that I could not sleep all night. It made me wonder why... Why had it affected me so. Then I realized that I had not 'cleaned house' so to speak with that person.

There are things I know about this person that his wife would probably be upset about; might even be grounds for divorce.. Dirty little things that will not come from my lips and be shown the light of day. But I digress. It was over years ago and of course we both have moved on. But, what probably upset me so is that I wish the 'spaces' in my heart would close.

It is not easy. It is not easy when you have feelings that are not reciprocated and what is left in that space is hurt, anger and most of all, an empty hole. There is another person who I cannot seem to let go. Despite this person being evil towards me and wishing my demise, I still let him rent space here. Why? I have no clue. Maybe it is because I still care but, I know it is not worth it. I could be dying (God Forbid) and this person still would not give a rat's ass.

Another person I let rent space has a huge chunk of Reject real estate. I hear the 'I miss you', "I care about you', blah blah mess but the actions do not fit the words. I keep wondering to myself why! Why the flying fuck do I keep renting out spaces to those unworthy of me? Am I that twisted and masochistic that I allow these things to occur subliminally?

To answer my own question.. Probably yes. I let those I know will never reciprocate the feelings I have inside and granted them access to the most important thing I have.. My heart.

So to you, my readers.. don't let unworthy people take up space in your heart. Clean house with those there and if they are not worthy of you, let them go. It is easier said than done; yes I know. But in the long run, it will be better for you and you won't have to be like me.. Staring at a picture and hurting inside.

1 comment:

  1. Reading this, I may as well have been reading my own words, my own experiences, my own hurts.
    It has taken me a very, very long time (I'm an old woman of 30 you know lol) to come to terms with the fact that the ones I used to think I was letting in, the ones that I allowed to cause me so much pain, were easier to deal with, than those that could really love me.
    Well, because I know going in, if only subconsciously, that those unworthy WILL hurt me, it's only a matter of when. But I'm prepared for it.
    Those that could love me are much more scary. They deliver promises of taking care of me, never hurting me, and I force myself not to believe it, regardless of their actions, because to believe it, to let them in, to trust that, would be opening my heart up to a potential hurt so great that I'm not sure my heart could take it.
    So, after a while, I slated that I did not believe in love..that it did not exist... that even love at first sight was ridiculous.
    unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you look at it, I was wrong..but that's another yammer for another day I suppose.

    I just wanted you to know that I do understand.


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