Truth In...

The truth is something when asked, if more often not given.
The half-truths, patronizing and deflecting, are well-crafted decietful tales.

I seek the truth in all things.

I seek truth in love. I have never been of simple thought.

I seek truth in the universe. But the universe hides his vast knowledge from me.

I seek truth in friendships. Ties we've tied. Phoney and fake I see.. people really shouldn't underestimate me.

When does the truth rear its head?

A wrong text in the middle of the night. Pacified tales to keep the anger out of sight. Unread & acknowledged thoughts.. smiles in faces and dogged out of sight.

Yes, the truth comes when we need it. It is given. You just need to see it to accept it.

break me

Still working on this one..

Break Me

You have it but act like you don't.
You have me but act like I don't exist..
This reality isn't fair.
This heart held in your hands..
As fragile as I stand,
On sheer will I am..
This damage to my psyche
Was there before you found me.
And all while I'm drifting,
This current pulls & pushes me along,
Against the rocks on the shore,
I keep screaming nevermore to the silence..

You don't comprehend how
My heart is in your hands..
I'm pleading for you..
Not to break me.
Promise not to break me.

I couldn't survive again,
These cuts will never mend..
Unravelling at my seams.
Looking through me,
Phase right through me..
I guess I'm something to pass the time..

A distraction in your eyes..

Never ask cause you don't care.
Never care cause I'm not really there..
Pretty words to pacify..
Non-existant in your eyes,
I was so blind..

I'm consumed & the fire is killing me.
This shell wasn't made for this journey.
Killing my soul slowly,
Permantently hollow..
You promised to tread lightly,
But your heavy as a stone..

Reniged on your word,
Purgatory you've placed me in..
Promises like sand,
Seep through my shaky hand.
No absolution from you..

I'm busted, broken & sliced in two..
Damaged, unrepairable by you..
You promised not to break me..
Then why am I in pieces...

Copyright 2011 Saturday'sChild

Something New

'Ello Lovelies!

I've been working on some things & i'd like to share this with you..

Unintentional..

He's the type that's hard to talk to,
Doesn't like conflict and neither do I.
I am conflicted.
Confused by everything thrown my way.
The silence kills me,
A blow to my self-esteem..
I'm wondering am I falling..

Unitentionally willing to sit this out.
That's not me,
Not what I'm about.
I don't know becomes common
I'm used to this now.
I speak and the walls come up.
Falling backwards & hopeless..

Made up my mind & it has to end,
I can't stay, there is no battle to win.
I'm used to this now
The unrequited cycle..
Option-land knows my name
Sorry he doesn't feel the same.

No reasons to hang on to this ledge,
No need to push anymore.
I see,
There is truth in your actions,
Your words are deciphered..
The lines are rehearsed..

I'm making this worse...
If you felt the same way I did,
You wouldn't go,
Or leave me this way...

Copyright 2011 Saturday'sChild

Goodbye, Sarah Jane...

Friends, colleagues, and fans throughout the Whonivers are mourning the passing of Elisabeth Sladen. Best known to fans as companion Sarah Jane Smith, Elisabeth played one of the most memorable & beloved companions in the series. She was companion to incarnations 3&4 of The Doctor during the 70's and early 80's. Elisabeth reprised the role for Dimesions in Time & the revised series with David Tennant. Most recently, she was the title character in the CBBC series, The Sarah Jane Adventures.

As a fan, I am deeply saddeded by the news. Ms. Sladen was 63 and the BBC is reporting she was suffering from cancer. I will have a longer post & dedication to her later in the week.

My deepest symapthies & condolences go out to her husband & daughter, family, friends and those who had the pleasure of working with her.

"Goodbye, Sarah Jane.."

Tumbling Down

This is something hard for me to admit so to the ones who still read this, thanks.
I had a breakdown two weeks straight. I hadn't had one in almost four years since my father passed. As I'm writing this, I'm in bed. The sun is shining and people are moving. I really don't want to see people. The first episode started last week. There are things happening in my life I won't mention here but, it all culmulated Thursday night. I'm putting myself out here, literally, so.. *sighs*I hadn't been back to the gym since returning from Texas earlier in the week. Clothes went and are still unpacked from what someone described as my 'gay army' luggage (it is camoflage with pink, green, black and white). Laundry needing to be done and unfortunately a broken washing machine was taking up space in my basement. These are tasks needed to be done and I didn't want to complete them.

The persona I give off to people is the opposite of what is the internal persona. This is for good reason. I was raised that we never talk about or mention what goes on in our private lives to those outside our door. If there are issues, fix them internally and go about your day. I do that. I do it everyday. I hide behind bubbly masses of smiles and friendliness when in actuality, id rather get out of there. Id rather not talk to you. But on some level, I am a 'people person' and I utilize that get by in life. I force myself to be outgoing because who would really believe a woman like me to suffer from depression?

I uttered it.. Depression. In the African-American community, there is no such word. You can argue me down and give me clinical & professional mumbo jumbo but, its true. They do not acknowledge it. My mom was like, "Oh, you're sad. Get over it!" When I had my last breakdown, I stayed in solitude for a week following my return from Tulsa. The next Thanksgiving, same thing. My door has a hole in it from when my 'loving' mother tried to force herself into the room.
Thanks! Covering up that hole was not an easy task...

I knew something was wrong with me at an early age. My mother was told to 'get me some psychological help' when I was in the 2nd grade. "My daughter doesn't need any shrink! She has me." Eh.. not much help you were lady. Your husband of four years just left you with two kids and a father recovering from Colon Cancer. So, that's when my morbid facinations began. 99% of the music I listened to were by deceased artist. I had no real friends. Heck, sometimes my cousins my age didn't like me. The funny thing was even with the rejection of my peers, I wanted to 'fit-in'. Gaining weight in the 5th grade didn't help much. Kids can be crule. So, I did thinks to keep people away, since they didn't want to voluntarily. I brought my diary to school and 'carelessly' left it on my desk. I started fights(sometimes I didn't) and developed a really snarky & nasty attitude (which, if you piss me off, I still have). Once I left that hell hole & moved to San Diego, I thought things would get better. I excelled even further in my studies(living in books does work) and made new friends.. until I was being bullied by a local gang girl. Then, my grandfather passed and I moved home.

High school, eh. I had just decided to be me. Goth girl, reject, semi-jock, floater, student council rep, singer, etc. I just did what made me happy. Lost 80lbs and then the rumours started. I was on crack, I was doing this & that and whatever nonsense they came up with. The fact was I got a job and the physicality of it made me drop weight. I had my crushes then too. The football players, baseball guys.. But, I was never asked out. Not the typical Black mutt beauty. I had mild breaks in school too. But, I just worked my way through them as I usually do. After high school, I tried pursuing the things I did as a kid(pre-weight gain). And kept my self away from getting into relationships because they had a tendency to go bad. It seemed like from 10 and up, everything went bad. Those things I won't discuss here and only a few, and I do mean a few, know of these things.

In my twenties, I 'blossomed' so to speak. Keeping my weight down and trying to have a life... till I got pregnant. I was sad the entire time. I had a friendship that ended badly, hit so hard I flew across a table because I didn't want to 'socialize' with drunk dope heads, having my roommate's bf hit on me because he liked cream and brown sugar...Being told certain things made me not want to carry him to full term. He wasn't born from mutual love.. More like one-sided and I found it out the hard way. After he was born, I picked myself up and began the process of trying to rebuild myself. With love, I fall hard. So, I made sure I didn't.. until someone popped in and then another break. The rejection was like a razor, slicing its way through my skin. I don't do rejection well. And truthfully, contrary to what people say, it is about you. After that, I didn't want to hear any utterance of love, couples, etc. I shut down. I shut down completely and went into automatic mode.

I still shut down but I switch focus. I live, breathe and walk with blinders on. Welcome to my world. Have a cuppa tea..